A huge part of Matt’s and my relationship is built around playing boardgames. Knowing that there was an exciting world beyond Monopoly and Sorry, we started out three years ago with the
gateway drugs of the European boardgame genre, games like Carcassonne, Jambo and Ticket to Ride.

Like the increasing potency that drug addicts require for the next high, we’ve evolved from light strategy to heavy strategy games. I like to think my way out of problems – the problems usually being that I need to score more points and beat Matt. I’ve come to hate dice and the risks inherent in games of chance. Relying on one’s brains is less nerve-wracking than fearing a pair of dice that will determine one’s fate. When it comes to heavy strategy games, you have only yourself to blame for your losses, yet you can learn from your mistakes to win the next time. We’ve thus become big fans of games like Power Grid, Puerto Rico and especially Caylus.

The one remaining problem with winning at these games, knowing that I indeed have the brain power to beat Mr. Look-at-Me-I’m-So-Techy-and-Smart, is that I have no poker face. Matt can see me developing my strategy minutes before I unleash a castle-building marathon that would rack me up enough points to careen ahead of him on the scoreboard. Then he sabotages my strategy.

The only bright spot, is that he has no poker face either. So I can counter-sabotage his sabotaging.

This leads to a deadlock, like our last game of Caylus, where we both finished with a score of 131. We discussed how we could overcome our lack of poker facedness:

Maktaaq: I can’t help grinning every time I come up with a sure winning strategy.

Matt: Me too.

Maktaaq: We need masks to hide our smiles, maybe a mouth-covering niqab.

Matt: We’ll still be able to read each other’s eyes. Besides, when you smile, your cheeks lift up and your eyes get squinty.

Maktaaq: Oh yeah, well you always look guilty whenever you’re about to move the provost so I can’t get my resources. It’s really obvious even if you don’t smile.

Matt: We’ll need something that can cover our eyes.

Maktaaq: A burqa will do that – they cover the whole face and they’ve got a mesh covering for the eyes.

Matt: Yeah, a pair of gaming burqas!

Maktaaq: I wonder where we can buy those…

*Matt adds: “We used to make fun of people that were so anti-dice. But a recent revisitation of the Settlers of Catan, in which an unfailingly six-rolling resource hog dominated the entire game, gave us the final proof that dice are indeed the devil.”

When I was eight, I went to the dentist, submitted to the tortures and then the dentist reaching over to his desk, opened a drawer and allowed me to choose a toy. I chose the orange hippo.

For years, the hippo – an eraser presumably – was my companion. No bigger than one of my finger joints, his soft rubberiness made him fun to chew one. I even almost bit off his right leg. To this day it hangs on with a sliver.

When I grew up, I put away my childish things. The hippo went into a box with an unlikely companion.

Recently, I opened the box. The hippo and his companion, a rather malignant insect-man hybrid with shoulder pads to rival any samurai overlord, have melted into each other. Or rather, the bug man has melted into the hippo.

Staring into the human face below the bug man’s insectoid visage, I see pure evil, a diabolic evil.

The hippo hasn’t melted into the bug man. It’s a one-sided deal with the bug man excreting his digestive ooze, in order to liquefy the hapless mammal. I doubt the bug man even needs the nourishment.

Yet, for years, locked in slimed embrace, the hippo has suffered, emitting unheard screams of horror like the frozen Incan mummies.

Dora the Explorer gone wild from Wild Planet Toys.

“What marketing department missed this?!!” exclaimed Matt.

“We boys don’t know what’s up with those My Little Ponies. What’s their secret? Do you hit a button under their genitalia and then they talk? What sex are My Little Ponies? Are they all girls?”

Unfortunately, like I can never understand knob sausage stir-fry, men will never understand the mystique of the My Little Pony.

With the advent of the Generation Three Ponies, however, there is much I myself, a once avid collector of the Generation One Ponies don’t understand.

The Ponies of my youth, the Generation Ones, came out from 1982 to 1991, though I hated the Beddy-Bye Eyes, Flutter Ponies and So Soft Ponies, all which appeared in 1985. I stopped collecting soon thereafter. Also, in a fit of pre-teen stupidity, I gave away my “kid” toys to my sister, who promptly sold my pristine collection for $25 to some guy at a garage sale.

The Ponies disappeared for many years, then in 2003 they reappeared with vigour. I kind of kept away, then I got Summer Berry for Christmas last year.

Summer Berry grows so many kinds of berries in her garden, she can’t even count them all! She uses them to bake lots of yummy muffins, and then surprises her friends by bringing a basketful to eat at the beach!

This Dream Design pony is sure to catch your eye! She’s got a three-dimensional CUTIE MARK design that really stands out!

Pony figure comes with brush.

Pony’s foot contains magnet.

A magnet? What the fuck? Nobody told me this before I massaged my credit cards with Summer Berry!

So many kinds of berries, she can’t even count them all? Geez, what’s she growing in there? Let me in – I was such an obsessive kid, I made lists of all the different kinds of berries, I was a real connoisseur of really unusual berry names: did you know that there’s a thimbleberry and a nannyberry? Summer Berry, I could’ve catalogued your garden.

The other day, I stumbled upon the My Little Pony section in the supermarket. At only $4.97, how was I supposed to resist Twirlerina? A blue pegasus with pink shimmering wings, a pink tail and a pink mane streaked with mauve, Hasbro has this to say about her:

A royal celebration is in order, because the ponies have discovered that they are all real princesses! The fairy tale has come true for everyone!

Twirlerina was born in October and her favorite [sic] color is crimson. Her favorite [sic] gems are opals and you can usually find her taking ballet lessons!

This adorable Pegasus is perfect for adventures to your own ballet lessons and is always ready for lots of pony fun!

Now if everyone is a real princess, then aren’t they all commoners?

More to the point, why would you want a pegasus around during ballet lessons? These things fly! There you are, your feet bleeding, and this flying horse-thing pretends to be en pointe, when it’s cheating by hovering. Yeah, Twirlerina, the only reason I bought you is because of your pretty wings.

The biggest suckie thing about these new ponies is that there are almost no unicorns. The Generation Ones had plenty of unicorns represented along with the land ponies, the sea ponies, the baby ponies and the pegasuses. What happened to the Generation Three unicorns?

Does it have something to do with the unicorns’ traditional purity? Once only virgins could attract unicorns – are all the virgins gone?

Also gone are the 2005 ponies. I only discovered the so-called Sunny Scent Ponies today when I reviewed Summer Berry’s accompanying booklet. I have never seen cute little Citrus Sweetheart (white with orange hair and a yellow streak) or Apple Spice yellow with red hair and a purple streak (looks like Generation One favourite Apple Jack).

But it could be just Canada. The 2006 Generation Three Pony checklist has limited edition ponies from Taco Bueno, Target and, what Matt tells me is a white trash hangout, Family Dollar. These are all stores we don’t have in Canada. I guess I missed Pumpkin Tart from Target this Halloween.

Yesterday I found myself in a supermarket, strangely alone in the My Little Pony aisle. I rummaged through the Ponies to check them out.

An early favourite was Summer Bloom, a yellow pony with pink shimmer crawling saucily up her legs.

The ponies all love pretending to be a princess. But they’re in for a surprise when they discover that, for one special pony, this fairy tale might really come true!

Summer Bloom was born in August and her favorite color is gold. Her favorite flowers are daisies and you can usually find her doing cartwheels and somersaults!

Pretty summer-colored pony has an all-over flower design! Pony figure comes with brush and bonus jewel.

Wait! I thought they were all princesses? Elitist liars.

Then I saw Silver Glow, a blue pegasus with turquoise shimmering wings and white hair streaked with blue, in a kind of reverse Bride of Frankenstein way.

The ponies all love pretending to be a princess. But they’re in for a surprise when they discover that, for one special pony, this fairy tale might really come true!

Silver Glow was born in November and her favorite color is blue. Her favorite flowers are petunias and at night you can usually find her gliding across the moonlit sky!

Dazzling pony is pretty in shades of blue! Pony figure comes with her own brush.

Huh?

Wasn’t Summer Bloom quite possibly the real princess among all the pretenders? Now it might be Silver Glow?

I think they’re just playing with the Ponies’ minds. Leading the girls astray.

At least Silver Glow likes her colour, not like Twirlerina who probably wishes she were crimson instead of her own blue. This is a good message to send out to impressionable little girls: like the body you’re in and don’t go having bulimia or whatever.

At last I found Royal Twist, a white land pony with pink shimmer slipping going up her legs. The spiel about her possibly being the real pony again. Darling, even if your name is Royal Twist, don’t count on being the real princess.

Royal Twist was born in November and her favorite color is royal purple. Her favorite gems are sapphires and she can usually be found collecting tiaras!

Okay, okay, you pretend your favourite colour is royal purple and you can collect all the tiaras you want, girlie, but you ain’t never gonna be a princess. ‘Sides, princesses always marry ugly jerks. You don’t want to end up with some jackass, do you?

All three ponies were just so darned cute, royal aspirations notwithstanding, that I could not resist to rearrange the shelves with the pretty trio in the front. Then I left the store.

Bumblesweet was rather tempting. She sat demurely in her box on the Walmart shelf, her price tag only $6.44. Cheaper than in my day, when a Pony went for $8. Hasbro must have switched glues or used inferior plastic. Some defect must make up for the $1.56.

I broke her hypnotic stare. Around her were three of her compatriots, the darling Daisyjo, the modest Serendipity, and that saucy wench, Sparkleworks. On the next shelf was Strawberry Shortcake and her cronies, and on another shelf was Rainbow Brite. Canary Yellow never looked so good.

Four of them, so cheap, so sparkly and one of them a lemon-yellow. I stopped myself. Where would I house them? My living quarters feature tasteful Romanian and Ethiopian folkart in woodsy colours and sombre metallics. The bright-coloured ponies might make my look just a little kitchsy. Besides their heads were too big.

I had to bid farewell to the ponies – since my first entry about the Ponies, trips to Value Village turned up no Ponies.

Until someone puts together an Eighties Toy Museum, I am re-living my My Little Pony youth through the My Little Pony Customization mailing list:

• Does anyone have extra bait condition unicorns? I’m specifically looking for unicorns in the prancing (Gusty, Sparkler), TAF milky way type, or upwards looking (Powder/Skyflier) poses.
• I have a Sparkler who’s face is pretty much covered in pen, and I think I have a Powder who’s symbol is almost gone, if you’re interested, please email me.
• I ended up buying 2 ponies, and going into an afro-hair shop this afternoon to pick up some gorg. synthetic hair for rehairing.
• She’s a Majesty with a tiny bit of paint work to her eyes that went slightly wrong, hair is fine (last time I looked) body is fine but she might also have a few pink marks on her but otherwise she’s fine.

Some of these messages were from some lady called “Baby Mort.” Wish I’d thought of that. The finished products look pretty good too.

Especially this one:

You are GOTH Pony!

Which Fucked up “My Little Pony” are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This couldn’t have come at a better time:

You’re My Little Pony!! Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks. Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Via Fruit Cocktail – do you know how hard it is not to write Fruit Basket, the Japanese fruity musical chairs game?)

There was a My Little Pony at the 21st Century Antiques Fair. A blue one, one whose name I should have known.

JJ swore that matter held memories for people. People didn’t have their memories tucked into some cranial crease; to remember something one could hold that thing in which the memory resides. I picked up the My Little Pony, strained my brain for some recollection of that slab o’ plastic’s name.

The vendor asked me what kind of My Little Pony fan am I if I can’t even remember my former toy’s name. Embarrassed, I put down the My Little Pony, and exclaimed that I once owned a Strawberry Shortcake (pointing to her but not to her companion, a denizen of Shortcake’s saccharine empire). The vendor wouldn’t let me off so easily.

“There’s a My Little Pony the Movie poster up for sale on Ebay,” he said. I didn’t want to tell him I thought the movie sucked. Eleven-year-old me thought I could have done a better job of the script.

“No one’s bid on the poster yet,” continued the vendor.

No wonder, the movie featured male My Little Ponies who had fake Clydesdale hooves.

“The bidding closes tomorrow,” he said.

Too bad. I don’t know Ebay and I don’t plan on knowing Ebay. I fart on Ebay.

“You should buy the poster. Then you can be a self-respecting My Little Pony fan.”

That hurt.

I was My Little Pony’s greatest fan. Sure I never had the whole collection, but I made dioramas with My Little Ponies. Changed them once a month. Designed my own My Little Ponies. My grade four teacher, Ms. Symko, put me in the corner for drawing My Little Ponies during Bible art class (this was in 1985, at the Catholic school).

When I was 16, I gave all my My Little Ponies to my sister. A teenager doesn’t need toys. Especially not uncool toys. Once the My Little Ponies were in my sister’s possession, she sold them all for $25 at a garage sale. My near-mint condition Ponies!

The guy who took my My Little Ponies was skinny and had a moustache. A hockey fan if I ever saw one. Claimed they were for his daughter whom he claimed was the little girl standing right beside him. Like most hockey fans, he probably has a boa constrictor at home and fed the My Little Ponies to the boa.

Out of all the foolhardy mistakes in my life, this one elicited true regret. Other errors had a purpose. I learned from them. The My Little Pony mistake will haunt me forever.

Years of collecting gone, including a severe beating for that sweet white pegasus with the fluorescent yellow hair – Surprise was her name – the months of collecting pennies off the street until I had eight dollars in pennies, eight hundred pennies that went towards purchasing my dream toy, my very first purchase with my own money at nine years old, not one of those pennies given to me, all picked off the street. All that gone.

Today I am thinking to yesterday’s Pony. Should I have bought it? Should I start afresh, like the Jews in Israel?

Yesterday my budget went towards one item, an assymetrical silver bumblebee brooch, today pinned to the bottom of the V on my V-necked blue velvet shirt. I made no allowances for the My Little Pony and I stayed strictly within budget.

Tonight I daydream about that Pony. Who was she?

The quiz result is a sign. I should begin anew.

A little research showed me the path. My Little Pony customization. It must be fun to take apart the Ponies and recreate them in a new image. The Earth would groan under the weight of new Ponies like: Twizzelina – blood-red with silver! Honky-Tonky Pony – silver! The Maoist Red Guard Pony – blood-red! The Plotting Empress Pony! A Pony with Praying Mantises on her shanks! And what would the Black Pony be if not the French Revolution Pony! Oooh, blood drops!

Dava, a Pony Peddler, has a method for removing Pony heads: “You can loosen the glue by holding the stubborn equine’s head in boiling water for a few seconds. Then, grasp her head with a cloth (careful, she’s hot!) and pull in different angles. Her head should pop right off.”