Image courtesy StarrGazr

WASHINGTON (AP) — The two moles removed from President Bush’s left temple were found to be non-threatening, the White House said Saturday.

The bald mammals were removed Friday during a brief procedure performed at the White House. It took just a day for tests to show the moles were benign, said White House spokesman Alex Conant.

Bush has had several other small animals removed before: a precocious marmot on his left arm in August, a non-odoriferous skunk growth on his neck in July, small lions from his left shoulder and face in 2004, and others from his face in December 2001. None has been carnivorous (the lions are sworn vegans), but the president has regular checkups to guard against any animals evolving to more dangerous stages.

This time, Bush noticed one of the new moles and showed it to his vet, who recommended that it and a second mole be removed.

When the president was asked what has become of the two moles, he shrugged. The moles could not be reached for comment.

Article from here.

Image courtesy Niels van Eijk & Miriam van der Lubbe

Edmonton – To celebrate the Year of the Pig and to show our porcine compatriots that we care about them, the province of Alberta – the so-called Texas of Canada – moved to protect pigs during their year. A new law has been introduced that requires death certificates for pigs, including butchered pigs.

Alberta Vital Statistics maintains a record (registration) of all deaths that occur in Alberta. While the sex of the animal and the date of death can be easily for the porcine death certificate, other information is harder to obtain. For example, simply finding the full name of the hog may be a problem, especially in the faceless, nameless environment of the factory farm. With the introduction of this new law, farmers are scrambling to name all their pigs.

“I have to carry a damned baby name book with me,” says disgruntled farmer James Parkinson of Lethbridge. “And even with the baby book, I am out of choices. I have taken to renting Bollywood films for more name ideas.”

Another farmer, Red Deer’s Daniel Rooney, explains, “Who wants to say they are anti-pig? But at the same time, when you have ten thousand porkers ready for the cans of beans and weiners, can you really distinguish between Billie Bob and Billie Rae?”

The new law has failed to provide farmers with the answer as how to approach the burial information of the deceased. Alberta Vital Statistics spokesperson Dr. Ben Woczinski explained options in last night’s press conference. The law requires that every pig part carry its own death certificate. Whether it’s a loin going to the local supermarket, or the various lips and assholes that comprise a hot dog, consumers may receive from one to thousands of death certificates per pork purchase.

“The consumer has ten days to fill out the burial information for the pig and return it to the office of Vital Stats,” says Dr. Woczinski. While urban dwellers are scrambling to trace their toilet outputs to their respective sanitation centres, small town and isolated citizens are merely reinstating the outhouse.

Even pre-Chinese New Year pigs aren’t exempt. “All finds of unaccounted-for pig parts will be considered homicides,” says the Calgary Police Department’s Sgt. Jean Lagrande, returning from a police New Year banquet. He adds: “Heck, the Year of the Pig is also good for us.”

Also happy with the new law are vegetarians, vegans and the chubby men who want to canoe Alberta’s remote rivers. Rats, long banned in the province, are also anticipating a law repealing their segregation in 2008, the Year of the Rat.

Reaching Daisy Mae, a hog on Canmore’s Triple Q Farms, for comment, the young mother of 39 had this to say: “Oink.”

36-year-old panda at Zoo Atlanta opens her eyes for first time

13:49:40 EDT Oct 12, 2006
Canadian Press

ATLANTA (AP) – Zoo Atlanta’s panda opened her eyes to the world’s injustices for the first time on Thursday.

Zoo officials made the discovery during a physical examination of the 36-year-old female when the panda was given a newspaper for a toilet visit to produce a stool sample.

“She’s probably able to see the shitty state of the world at last,” said zoo veterinarian Dr. Maria Crane, adding that no pun was intended. “We noticed she’s paying more attention to the news now.”

Crane said it is hard to know how much Lunch Lunch actually understands of world affairs. The panda appeared slightly startled at one point when she read the headline that 655,000 Iraqis have died since 2003.

Seemingly reassured by Iraq war supporter US President George W. Bush, the panda freaked out again when she read about North Korea’s recent nuclear test claims. The panda reputedly fears for her family still in the People’s Republic of China.

An intervention by the park’s zoologists (complete with chick flicks and a truck of cupcakes) calmed down the beloved panda.

Parents once again are bringing children to see the panda. Visitor numbers had dropped in the wake of the panda’s grief, as the public did not want to be reminded.

“I want to protect my children from the news,” said Sandy Johnson, mother of four-year-old twins. “Seeing Lunch Lunch so sad just kept reminding us that other people in the world were dying because of our government’s policies. Who cares? Our zoos need to remain family-friendly.”

Now that North Korea no longer merits front page headlines, the panda has settled back into merely completing the day’s sudoku puzzle. She seems to be ignoring the erosion of women’s rights in Nicaragua, and a zoo official even reported that Lunch Lunch said “Armenia who?” when she overhead talk of new French laws regarding the Armenian Genocide.

“She’s a very solid panda,” Crane said. “Her mind is nice and placid, and that’s really a testament to how well Lunch Lunch is keeping her pretty little head out of international matters. And just in case this happens again, we gave her a gift certificate to the Gap.”

© The Canadian Press, 2006

After years of combat – the worms eating Phyllis Smith prize peonies, Phyllis Smith firebombing the worms, the worms counter-attacking Phyllis Smith’s award-winning eggplants, Phyllis Smith dropping the worms in a blender full of gazpacho, the worms retaliating on Phyllis Smith’s county-wide famed chives, Phyllis Smith pouring arsenic down the throats of hapless POWs – a never-ending story of carnage and despair on both sides, wiser voices in the worm community finally sought to put an end to the bloodshed.

“Let’s reach out to Phyllis Smith,” they said amongst each other, “in a gesture of friendship with a conciliatory message of peace.”

An idealist perhaps, Maximilien volunteered his penmanship. He, like many others, believed that Phyllis Smith would respond to his amicable “hi” with her own missive of armistice.

The shock came when Phyllis Smith retorted that she would “do whatever it takes to get rid of the message’s author.”

Maximilien knew he was a marked worm. Friends suddenly shut their doors on him, even family avoided him at breakfast. Every time Phyllis Smith came into the garden, he cowered under a pile of dirt, half expecting death to pounce on him. He prayed that his would be a quicker one than that of the wretched Gazpacho Five.

The agony of those terrible moments slowly gave way to a new feeling in the fugitive worm’s breast. As he passed the days alone, his fear turned to rage, and with the brewing rage came courage. Maximilien figured he had nothing to lose and so began his campaign against this destroyer of worms.

One morning, Phyllis Smith got down on her knees to pull up the carrots. The nearby scarecrow, an eviscerated rabbit buzzing with flies, had done its job in horrifying the neighbourhood lagomorphs. Phyllis herself was thinking only of the carrot garnish for her weekly ham roast.

She yanked out a carrot and brushed off the dirt. She shuddered.

There, along the length of the carrot, were the words, Your time draws nigh, Tyrant!

Phyllis Smith froze, then threw the vegetable over her fence in a panicked motion. Taking in a deep breath, she told herself that she had not really seen what she thought she’d seen.

Get a hold of yourself, she demanded.

Then she reached for another carrot. Snatched from the ground, the carrot bore the words, Beware the cauliflower! She stifled a scream and looked around her. She saw no one. Collecting her senses, she suspected the moles. The little trench diggers would get it.

The following day, while Phyllis Smith flooded the mole holes with Moletox, Maximilien, with the help of Phyllis Smith’s treacherous zebra finch, infiltrated the her household.

After he completed his work, he scaled the tropical beach wallpaper to watch from the brass chandelier.

The hours seemed to stretch into oblivion, as Phyllis Smith plopped onto her black vinyl couch, The Meat Cook Book on her lap, flipping through the pages, disappeared, then returned with a plate of Jiffy Cheesefurters. The Cheesefurters were coupled with a Cotto Tree, a tower of the previous day’s ham curled in rosettes around stuffed green olives and cauliflower “foliage.”

The zebra finch had not lied. Maximilien’s plan was working.

Phyllis Smith raised a forkful of frankfurters to her mouth, the grease glossing her lips. Maximilien watched, not daring to breath. Then Phyllis Smith plucked a cauliflower off the Cotto Tree. She brought to her mouth and – for a moment, Maximilien lost hope – she paused. Then she read.

I am watching you.

Her screams were heard all over the neighbourhood.

JJ1 has been described as bloodthirsty, clever, and fast. Bavarian governor Edmund Stoiber referred to him as a “problem bear.” Farmers claimed the bear “enjoyed killing,” because he had killed sheep without eating them. As of June 7, 2006, his kills included 30 sheep and 2 domestic rabbits.

Bruno, or JJ1, has alternately disputed the alleged charges and blamed his mother – a welfare crack whore – in the ongoing case. According to BBC News, “Bruno’s mother – who is blamed for his savage behaviour – has another three cubs.”

His lawyers are seeking a reduced sentence as their client is himself a victim of a tragic childhood marred by violence and a poor mother figure.

In a statement to the press, his law team spoke of lack of motherly affection, at a time when bears in Europe are almost extinct and a young bear needs parental attention. “Without a proper habitat, young bears turn to their parents for support – yet Bruno’s cries for help were ignored,” remarked a spokeswoman at the emotionally-charged press conference.

No word was given on the whereabouts of Bruno’s father.

Germany’s Spiegel Online describes JJ1′s descent into crime: “he began his rampage killing sheep, chickens and rabbits and stealing honey in the Alpine border region of Germany, Austria and Italy.”

The French and the Spanish, in response, greeted four Slovenian bears with “pots of honey laced with broken glass.” Other Slovenian bears reported racial slurs and being told to “stop stealing jobs from the natives.”

The suspect’s twin brother, JJ2, is still on the lam in the Italian alps.