Filed under: Personal
Thank you to the two readers who asked for more posts. I am still not married yet – the wedding is in two months. However, there is a lot of planning that goes into these things, even for someone as rabidly opposed to the bride industry as me.
After heated discussions, door-slamming arguments and much chinaware-smashing conflict, I finally got my own way with the wedding. I decided to add a few of the elements I want at the wedding.
- The bridal shower will definitely take place in a cemetery, followed by an infiltration of the abandoned Woodlands Hospital. To recreate that Session 9 feeling, I will hand out lobotomy picks and glass eyes at the beginning of the night. And, please, no flashlights.
- The bachelorette will take place in the tundra. Ladies, we will all board a tundra buggy and begin the 4-day drive to the Arctic on the Friday night prior to the wedding.
On Wednesday we will feed polar bears with the dead goats (these will be carried on the buggy’s roof to maximize room for our luggage). On the way back, free goat blood facials for everyone!
- At the rehearsal, taking the whole groom-must-not-see-the-bride thing to the logical conclusion, everyone will wear blindfolds. The rehearsal will function like a Marco Polo game:
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
- At the rehearsal dinner, we can throw toast around when anyone says “toast.”
- Instead of releasing doves after the ceremony, Matt and I will release badgers. As per a suggestion from our friend L2, “Instead of wedding favors, your ankles have been donated to the Feed a Canadian Badger Fund.”
- The reception will be on on a barge of lifeboats strung together. I’ve already rented 3 lifeboats that survived the Titanic, Andrea Doria and Empress of Ireland sinkings.
- Instead of the first dance, all the guests will play a game of Crisco Twister.
- Throwing bouquets is for wussy brides. I am tossing a dead goat over my shoulder so the single women can play a nice game of buzkashi, the Afghan national sport of horseback goat-grabbing. The single men can play the part of the horses.
- In some cultures, on the morning after the wedding, the bedsheet is shown to the guests as proof of the bride’s virginity. Since, in our culture, we’ve got different priorities, we will instead show a bedsheet smeared with five gallons of cum.
Thank you to my best friend, Pugshot, for actually getting me interested in the wedding. Your enthusiasm is making this ordeal much, much more bearable.